An art piece created by me. It is called "Surreal", a word reflecting how I feel towards God's creation, especially the sky. View larger size here: Surreal

I've been praying a lot lately, and it just feels so good like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But it has always been hard for me to pray because I'm always full of doubt. Is someone actually listening to my prayers, to my woes, and to my cries? Is there really a God? But it feels good to look forward to praying every night because I have so much to say, ask for, and be thankful for.

These past few days I've been praying for my enemies, those who make me suffer, sad, angry, and those who I just have bad relation with. Boy, was it hard, but it made me feel like a good person to pray for them because it's love...and God is love. However, the hardest person to pray for is for myself. It's hard because I tend to think during prayers that I am innocent, perfect, and free of guilt, but I, too, am at fault as much as my enemy.

To pray for improvements in yourself is one of the hardest thing ever because you think you're already a "good person." It feels uncomfortable to reevaluate and reflect on yourself because no one wants to hear that they're not a good person, especially hearing it from yourself. But I managed to do it, to pray for myself. I watched one of Joel Osteen's videos once. I don't remember the theme of the sermon, but I remember him saying that when you want change, whether it be in a certain situation or person, you should pray for yourself too because what if the situation or person isn't changing because you aren't? Maybe if you changed, things will change too. And I do kinda find truth in that.

I hope it becomes easier for me to pray for myself because I want to be a good person - someone who loves, is kind, and gentle, but most importantly, to be humble. Humble enough to pray for their enemies and to forgive them because God is love.

"Is that all there is?", Fresh Hell, Palais de Tokyo (by Martin Tod)

I realized that I write the most when I am sad.

I find that being sad is when I am most inspired. Right now, I am not happy but rather content. Never had I wanted to be so sad before. I am drained of inspiration!

I believe Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre puts it best when Jane describes this feeling as a 'still existence;' "an existence whose very privileges of security and ease I was becoming incapable of appreciating. What good it would have done me at that time to have been tossed in the storms of an uncertain struggling life, and to have been taught by rough and bitter experience to long for the calm amidst which I now repined! Yes; just as much good as it would do a man tired of sitting still in a 'too easy chair' to take a long walk: and just as natural was the wish to stir, under my circumstances, as it would be under his" (Brontë 137). I still thank God for helping me conquer the day, but sometimes I become "incapable of appreciating" this "still existence." I feel nothing.

How can one be happy/content AND sad? I want to be happy/content and sad, but whenever I am happy/content, I feel like sadness is temporary, therefore inspiration is temporary. On the other hand, when I am sad all the time, I feel like inspiration is always there. I can feel everything, from soft whispers on windy days to the warm embrace of the sun on my face.


As of late, I feel like I'm too busy chasing life, too busy trying to survive and make it out there somehow that I can't feel anything anymore. I am drained from feeling anything at all. But then again, isn't that what life is all about? "Making it?" I just want to be sad and lost and excited about it, again. I'm not saying that I'm completely found, but I can feel myself becoming.

Over these past few years, I've come to know that life is mostly about trying to "make it," but I also know that it's more than that.

Life is more than bills, taxes, jobs and education. When I see these words, they horrify me. They confine me. Adventures, love, wanderlust and spontaneous are some words I like to think of when I think of life. Yes! Unfortunately, there's always the contradiction of "you're supposed to have money in order to travel the world or be happy because, supposedly, you get everything you want."

For me, it's the feeling of yearning when seeing winding roads on mountains that disappears between them. For me, it's the continuous flowing of the river. For me, it's that leaf, that balloon, that dandelion spore, that floating speck of dust that keeps on flying and drifting further and further away, and you'll never know where they have decided to rest, or die. Sometimes I'm just dying to know that happens. I mean, this is such a big world.

I wish there was more to life than just trying to "make it" then maybe we won't lose so much of ourselves or the things that makes us happy and our life meaningful. I would never want to lose myself, yet I don't even know who I am, and that's the exciting part. I know it sounds contradictory; not wanting to lose myself yet wanting to be lost, but life is strange...

I don't want to know who I am. I don't want to figure it out. Human beings, along with the world, are too complex to be just 'something.' I want to be more.



There were certain moments in my life when I was pestered to find my identity. I hate it when people tell or ask me to find my identity. I don't know who the hell I am. Yes, it does get frustrating sometimes to not know, not just who I am but anything, because that is what makes it exciting. I want to be wanderlust, a wanderer, a nomad.

Jason Silva, host of Brain Games, is the creator of the YouTube channel Shots of Awe. According to Silva's official website, Shots of Awe is a short film series of "trailers for the mind" that serve as philosophical espresso shots exploring innovation, technology creativity, futurism and the metaphysics of the imagination. (Pretty cool beans!)

In one of my favorite videos of his called "We Need To Be Lost To Find Ourselves" Silva argues that we need to be lost to find ourselves because aren't we "ultimately" wanderers? Wandering and seeking? He asks why do we love open spaces? Why do open spaces have more appeal than beautiful cozy, small spaces?

"Why do we look at the infinite ocean and actually feel a sense of reverence and awe? Instead of being afraid, we look at it as it beckons us to the unknown, to the mystery, to the question," Silva said.

That is why night, the sky, and oceans exist. I love staring at the night sky. I get lost and captivated. It's so beautiful. It makes me want to cry. Don't tell me you have never stared at the night sky and been awed. Go ahead, try it!

I want that feeling of being lost, like I am striving for something because it is out of my grasp. I know I don't like the bumpy moments in life, and I'm probably going to jinx it, but that thrill, adventure and anticipation makes me alive like when you watch a horror movie and that jump scare just makes you cry! Being lost for me creates vivacity in my life. When I find happiness/contentment, it feels good, but then I don't know what to do afterwards. What now?

Even if it means being sad, I don't want to find myself, I don't want to figure 'it' out because when I find 'it,' it's over.

"Once you find the answer, you risk completion," Silva said.

As cliché as it sounds, it's only when we are lost that we are found

If you want to be.

There was a point in time where I totally believed in the stages of a relationship or “love.” I looked at my own and said, “YES!! THAT’S TOTALLY TRUE! This is the trufff!” However, now, I wish there weren’t stages to relationships or “love.” I mean, there shouldn’t be.

I understand they’re fun to talk about, identify with, and make jokes about it. However, the stages are merely seen as boundaries within a relationship that hinders further explorations or discoveries! They do nothing but say, “HEY. Stop showing so much love and affection towards that person GOSH DANG IT, MARTHA. You shouldn’t do that anymore. Those things belong in the past stage, so stop it! You look ridiculous! You are overdoing it and he is going to get sick of you! Just stop it!”

There shouldn’t be stages in a relationship! It causes boredom, heartaches, and endless anticipation. Love them like you should and how you want.

No matter how comfortable it gets, continue to shower them with love and affection. Yes, they probably know you love and care about them deeply but always remember to remind them from time to time. Don’t let your love get old. Don’t let it get boring. Let it be spontaneous, alluring, and cheesy! SO CHEESY THAT IT MAKES YOU DISGUSTED!

Don’t be afraid. Let it be anything but boring. If you’re too scared or because you’re both “comfortable” now, you both will never get to discover and explore all the ways that make you swoon and melt - and how beyond adorable that person really is than he/she is now.

There are no stages but only years and years of being together. Don’t let your heart be stubborn and restricted, Martha!

RISE AND SHINE: An old snapshot of my journal on an early December morning.

We must learn how to let go.

Let go of the past, let go of his hand, let go of that fist you clenched so tight, let go of that feeling you had six years ago - no matter how great it must have felt. Accept the fact that things are only temporary, and they come and go. Forever does not exist. It will only bring you peace and happiness. Even the hands - our hands - know how to let go. Learn from them. Learn to let go the way your hands let go of the things that are too hot and will burn you. Let go the way your hands let go of the monkey bars when they can’t hold any longer. Let go the way your hands let go of his when you two depart. Let go the way his hands let go of hers to be with you. Let go the way your hands let go of this pen so you can go back to sleep because you’re tired. Let the painful, sorrowful memories go. I know you like to afflict yourself with the past, but please do not. Learn from them, yes, but do not let them do harm to you the same way they did in the past.

Nothing is forever.

If you pay attention to the things around you, you will know. Letting go is a part of life (as cliche as it sounds) - things break, burn, and die little by little, petal by petal, flesh by flesh, everyday like the mountains that are beautifully made only to crumble.